How To Develop Closer Friendships, From Psychology Experts

Here’s what makes a close friend and how to get closer to a friend, according to licensed therapists.

A close friendship is characterized by mutual trust, respect, and emotional intimacy, according to clinical psychologist Annia Raja, Ph.D. “It’s a relationship where you can feel comfortable being yourself and sharing your innermost thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or rejection,” she tells mbg. “Research has shown that people with strong friendships are happier, healthier, and more resilient to stress.”

According to Shani Gardner, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and the owner of Soulful Grace Therapy, close friendships also involve honesty, support, and understanding. “Close friends provide safety, comfort, and a deep sense of alignment and intimacy,” she tells mbg. “Close friendships are important because we are social beings, and we are wired for connection with others. We have a natural desire to be seen and understood; close friendships allow that desire to be satisfied.”

In that sense, the psychology of close friendships comes down to our very human nature. Jennifer Chain, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and founder of the group therapy practice Thrive for the People, says humans have thrived as a species because of our interdependence on each other. “Therefore, having meaningful and close friendships meets one of our foundational needs for connection and belonging.”

And as Chain adds, meaningful friendships are associated with important wellness outcomes like happiness, contentment, self-esteem, improved memory, decreased loneliness, increased life satisfaction, lower blood pressure, and longevity.

There are many types of friendships, from people you met during childhood to your college roommates to the work friends you casually grab drinks with on weekends. It’s common to have different types of friends during varying seasons of your life, with each friend serving a different purpose. Here are a few of the most common types of friendships:

Opening up and getting closer to a friend can be tough, whether it’s someone brand new or a person you’ve known forever. Maybe you get anxious meeting new people or aren’t sure how to build a connection over text. No matter what your goals are, here are some expert-approved ways to get closer to a friend:

When seeking a closer friendship, sometimes, you have to make the first move. “Whether it’s reaching out to an old friend, going to an event where you don’t know anyone, or talking to someone you don’t know, I think the hardest part is starting,” says Nicole Sbordone, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and author of Surviving Female Friendships: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. “Everyone gets nervous putting themselves out there and being vulnerable. Worst case scenario, the person isn’t receptive, and you know you tried. Otherwise, if you really want closer friendships, you have to put in the work and effort–and most of the time, the benefits outweigh the risks.”

If you want to get closer to a friend, Chain recommends reaching out on a regular basis. “Studies have shown that proximity and frequency make a big difference in relationships,” she explains. “If you and your friend live down the street from one another and see each other every morning for your morning walk and coffee, the chances are high that you will become close organically. However, if you and your friend live in different countries and want to create deeper intimacy in the relationship, you would need to be intentional about how often you reach out to connect.”

If you don’t see your friend in person often, let technology help–a call, text, voice memo, or old-school email can go a long way! “I suggest reaching out and letting [your friend] know that you enjoy spending time with them, you care about them or you’re just thinking of them,” Gardner says. “These kinds of messages make the other person feel cared for and can increase the chances that they’ll extend the same care to you.”

Given that loneliness has increased2 in recent years, acts that increase social connection–even virtually–matter more than ever.

Life is busy, and it isn’t always possible to hang with friends 24/7-but making an effort to connect is crucial if you want to get closer to someone.

“Prioritize spending quality time together,” Raja suggests. “Close friendships can take time to develop, but the investment is well worth it.”

Maybe you meet up for walks together every Sunday or you set aside one afternoon a month to catch up over video. Set a time for friendship on your calendar and schedule it like any other obligation. Your friend is bound to appreciate it (and they’ll be motivated to prioritize you, too).

To deepen your social connection, Chain recommends planning outings with your friend. “Make a list of concerts, hikes, classes, or trips that you know you will both enjoy, and start planning some friend dates.”

If weekly brunch with someone is your norm but you want to take the friendship deeper, Gardner says it can be helpful to mix it up and think beyond typical food and drinks. “Take a workout class together once a week or read a book together and set aside time to discuss. This will give you something concrete to bond over and allow room for you to grow closer.”

Close friendship requires vulnerability. To strengthen your bond, share your thoughts and emotions with your friend while inviting them to do the same. “You can start by disclosing more about your inner world and feelings,” Chain says. “If you set the tone for vulnerable conversations in your relationship, chances are that your friend will follow your example.” Practice active listening, tune into your friend’s feelings, ask questions, and be compassionate to help bring your friendship closer.

According to Gardner, vulnerability also means being open to giving and receiving feedback and navigating tricky conversations every once in a while. “You have to provide understanding, validation, and support in an open and honest way,” she says. “You also have to be willing to have tough conversations that are coming from a place of care.”

Close friendships are all about supporting each other during both fun and hard times–and remember, the support should be mutual. (Nobody likes a one-sided friendship where everything revolves around one person and their needs!) “Don’t be afraid to show vulnerability by asking for help when you need it, as well as reciprocating proactively and doing the same for your friend,” Raja says.

“If you notice an equal give and take, that’s a big green flag for a close relationship,” Gardner adds. For example, if you both reach out to initiate plans, you can celebrate each other’s wins, and you’re mutually invested in growing the relationship, it’s probably a good sign.

At the end of the day, a close friendship should be a genuine connection with someone who makes you feel safe, heard, and affirmed. They accept you for who you are without judgment, and they’re there for you through thick and thin. “Close friendships are an essential part of our emotional well-being and sense of community and connectedness, so it’s worth investing time and effort to nurture and strengthen them,” Raja says.

Close friendships are also deeply personal, and Sbordone suggests defining your relationships in a way that feels comfortable for you. “‘Close’ doesn’t have to mean that you’re seeing each other regularly or talking every day,” she says. “‘Close’ can mean that you have a good foundation for the friendship…you know that if you needed that friend, they would be there for you.” She adds that situational context, friendship history, and the amount of time and effort you contribute can also help you define whether the friendship is “close” or not.

If you don’t feel like you have close friendships right now, don’t worry–a little bit of effort, vulnerability, and communication can go a long way. Whether you want to reconnect with an old acquaintance or strengthen an existing connection, take the leap of faith and go for it. A great friendship could be right around the corner.